LOCK IN LOCK IN LOCK IN

Well, well, well, things are starting to ramp up. And by that I mean not really except the date is fast approaching for my eventual move to Japan to happen. A lot of the previous goals I’ve mentioned have not been fully met to completion, yet a few others were achieved despite my constant regression to my old tendencies. L-file is out, but my contributions to the content of the site aren’t much so far. I’ve now started a Japanese learning stream and began to incorporate more learning opportunities, yet I begin drift away from the consistency of it all. I made the avenues for my novel writing to be showcased to the public, however I haven’t written another word since…

It’s frustrating that even though I’ve made arguably tremendous progress, it doesn’t feel like I have progressed at all in the moment which discourages me from doing the stuff needed to succeed in my goals. At this point, I need to be more resolved in what I plan to spend my time on. I can’t afford to waste so much of it to unfocused noise or cheap dopamine anymore for the time being.

Time for some conditions:

• No more sleeping past 12 AM and I must wake up 7-8 AM.
• Gaming is limited to only Japanese learning or the occasional gaming with friends. No more Deadlock solo queue or long Slay the Spire 2 sessions.
• I must try to write more for Remember Rain even though I will need to focus on learning the Japanese language and being busy with making streams.

I will find some ways to ensure the highest likelihood chance that I will follow through and meet these conditions. It seems that I often slack on implementing the smaller changes which improve my chances. Perhaps similar to my spike in spending, I may need to use some money to put some weight on my decisions even if they may not immediately return my investment. This can be seen from my spending on a Macbook Air M4 a few months ago, buying Japanese learning resources, and purchasing a few books I have still yet to focus on finishing.

I guess I have problems with convincing my brain that I do have time for everything I want to do and the real barrier to it all is that sense of resistance when I consider starting any of the actions towards a task. I’ve considered maybe gamifying it or organizing it in a more aesthetic way, but I find that this sort of ignores the real issue of being comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Its the whole reason why I am even doing something as wild as moving to a foreign country. Even though my current circumstances are, on paper, great - I must challenge myself often and break through my limits. The only way to really do that is to face my problems head on without any other external influence affecting the form… to face the raw extent of my self doubts. This means to immediate safety net from my family or the unconscious behaviours of the people I hang out with.

I am not saying that I am abandoning all of that completely, but I feel the need to put myself through some real trials that test my core being.