Now

I am so back, as in my backsliding is back in full swing! I may or may not have spent like my 2 days off work doing absolutely nothing except play some Dead by Daylight and Clauding it. And that’s ignoring the fact that I still find my free time disappearing from watching YouTube and constantly thinking about what to do next. For specifics, I was trying to figure out the next step for my YouTube channel.

Spoiler alert: I already know what to do, but I’m too much of a passive coward to pull the trigger.

It’s subtle, like all things that have great consequences in my experience. It appears when I have a “plan” in my mind to go do a recording session later tonight, and when that time arrives I end up not completing what I said I’d do. I think it’s clear I need to really follow what I’ve realized for my story Remember Rain, to let myself make small committed falls towards who I want to become.

This means I will need to make a stated commitment that I mostly cannot back out of. As with all of the greatest experiences I’ve had in my life, the trend is to decide on things on a whim then to figure out the logistics after I’ve settled on the decision.

So here it is, the next two months is 日本語 time. Remember Rain will be on the backburner, where I will make it less of my priority within my mind. Ideally, I still write a couple words and ideas towards it every day, but if I don’t, then that’s okay for now. What is not okay is me not trying every single moment of my life to learn Japanese when… I AM MOVING THERE IN LIKE 2 MONTHS!!!

Like, as I’ve said in previous notes, I think I am the kind of person who sorts things out when they arrive - a reactive person. I do try to be preemptive, but it’s so difficult when I do not feel the immediacy or feedback of what I’m doing. It’s easy to say I may not have utilized my time wisely in say university, but it’s another thing to actually understand in hindsight why I ended up making the decisions I made throughout those 4 years.

Luckily, the recent last 4 years for me have been a slow momentum towards who I truly want to be… which I have some idea of what it is but I still haven’t figured out the specifics. I want to at least fundamentally someone who can and will take the road less traveled - someone who can continue to try and try despite all of the circumnstances that are against them. That even though I feel like a coward, an idiot, a fool who constantly gives up on what seems to be on the most mundane parts of the journey, I will continue to move forward and aim towards my greatest self.

Ninjaruss, the username I’ve stuck to since the middle school days when I started playing Realm of the Mad God, is now a sort of symbol of who I want to become. A sort of persona of my greatest self - a person who will skillfully act/move with his own agency and who will not waver in being himself.