Now

I’ve begun to truly hone my resolve towards what I want to do with my life. It’s funny that I can only see the subtle progress I’ve made over the past 2-3 years after some time has passed.

For instance, I already identified the singular goal that integrates most of what I want to accomplish, creating a visual novel, more than a year ago. Yet, I only now feel like I’ve put stake on that goal, that my resolve is now more clearer than ever. I am slowly quelling my inner self critic of all of my crazy ideas and using that towards a different shift in looking at things.

What if I can make this work? Perhaps if I accepted my wants for what they are and seriously do everything within my power to guide myself towards it, then I could simply spend my time feeling the process towards it rather than worrying about the result.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact I still have poor habits I cannot let go of just yet. My sleeping “schedule” attempt has turned into a challenge for me to see how much less sleep I can get before I screw up at work. But there’s been some progress in the habit domain.

I now do more frequent, impromptu live streams for better or for worse. I enjoy sharing my thoughts to the world even if they are met with complete unseriousness or forgetten the next day. What these streams have shown me are the things I could work on and the stuff I actually enjoy. I truly enjoy talking with people and doing my best to engage in conversation to hopefully answer some overarching question about life. Having others remind me that I’ve been slacking (while coming off as a bit abrasive and demotivating) has at least given me the constant reality check. My mind already does this, but it’s nice I don’t have to spend my own brain power to do it.

My goal still has not changed at the fundamental level, but I’ve decided to meme it a little and be true to it. That I want to be the type of person who can do difficult things, and in spite of the emotional consequences and constant force that goes against you, simply smile like a mad man and to keep on going. Ideally, I want to build up so much aura from this that it inspires others to also do the same like it has for me…

I want to climb those stairs dammit!

PewDiePie is probably the most prominent example of the type of person I want to become. This guy not only became the number one YouTuber in the world, he kept becoming even more skillful and based after his “golden era”. He has become a beautiful artist and an absolute real life giga chad. He even puts me to further shame by making his own software that is a truly essential answer to the despair of the tech world (granted, I assume he vibe coded, but I do the same thing anyways).

While I may not reach the highs he has had, I have no excuse to myself at this point to not keep trying to push my reality towards my dreams every day.